Monday, May 29, 2017

Alpha Blue 2: Mars Needs Women

This past Saturday we had our second session of Alpha Blue, having decided to expand the single session I ran for my birthday into a full-fledged campaign of sexed up space silliness.

When we last left our heroes, they had just stolen the fastest ship in the galaxy and double-crossed the Templars of the Glass Spider in order to keep it.  Zora, a Templar of the Glass Spider, renounced her faith in light of her order's perfidy, Ajax the space pirate discovered he owes child support, and using a replicator and the ashes scraped out of Ajax's crevice, they've created a cloned copy of David Bowie's genitalia.

They decided to stop off and deal with Ajax's ugly-ass beaked-koala-baby love-child first, setting course for the planet Karbopolis.  Confronting his ex Satara Jo (in all her alien weirdness - looking like a koala with super long, double-jointed arms and legs), he balked at her asking price and asked for a minute alone with baby Bobby Jennerick.  Taking the kid into the bathroom, he chucks the baby out the window (where he lands safely in a dumpster full of discarded sex dolls) and then covers his escape by dropping a thermal detonator into one of the toilets.  He takes off running back to the ship - dubbed the Good Ship Venus by Arden - with the kid in tow.

Meanwhile, Zora decided to try and pilfer a new outfit, rather than continuing to sit naked on the vinyl seats of the Venus or actually buying one.  Carefully lifting a suitcase out of the back seat of a Space Camaro in the next docking bay, she was rewarded with a silver V-neck uniform (deep V - the uniform is open almost to her pelvis), complete with fancy epaulets, a black tactical vest, and a plasma caster with collapsible stock.

Meanwhile, RoBoBot and Trusty Davey Johnson (with Arden riding inside Davey's glass dome) head into town to have Davey's caster repaired.  Davey elects to upgrade to a set of four metallic walking tentacles - only two are covered by his insurance, and he manages to bargain the robo-surgeon down to half-price for the remaining two legs, plus a complimentary buffing of Davey's chrome.

Concerned that the Templars of the Glass Spider will be pursuing them, Zora decides to contact her sister Brynne in the Wyrmslorr Crime Syndicate to see about contracting bodyguards.  Brynne is delighted to see her little sister joining the Syndicate and sets up a meeting with Dreego, a mid-level officer in the Syndicate and a connector of jobs with talent.

A gold-plated carrier ship is dispatched to collect the characters and bring them to Dreego's secret hideout.  The ship's AI is friendly and chipper, and dispenses boozy banana smoothies of the sort known to sorority girls across the galaxy as "Instant Regrets."

Dreego's hideout is soon revealed to be inside the depths of an "Assteroid," with the ship docking
exactly where and how you would expect it to in a game like this.  Emerging into the cavernous interior of the Assteroid, from the opposite end of a corridor they hear the sound of women screaming.  Arden collapses himself into a puddle and slithers under the door to investigate, seeing a trio of humanoid females in cheerleader uniforms being chased around by a squat, ugly alien in a gold track suit wielding some sort of gun.

Arden looms up to engulf the attacker, who, startled, squeezes the trigger - dispensing a spray of Parmesan Garlic Cheez Whiz into Arden's face.  Dreego's "thing," it turns out, is spraying cheerleaders with a caulking gun full of Cheez Whiz.  The mood broken, the girls go to leave, with Dreego cursing that he hired them for a full hour and they shouldn't expect to get paid for the 17 minutes they're leaving early.  On their way out, one of the girls slips Ajax a card.

Somewhat disgruntled (and utterly "caulk-blocked"), Dreego tries to salvage the situation by asking if Zora had ever considered donning a cheerleader uniform, "something to, ah, emphasize that, ah, magnificent donk of yours." Zora declined.  Dreego then laid out the job he had for her and her compatriots.

Queqoo Xanood, a high-ranking member of the Wyrmslorr Syndicate, has found religion and run off to join the Alpha-Omegas, a doomsday cult operating out of a compound on some asteroid somewhere.  The Syndicate wants him brought home and deprogrammed before the Alphas can pump him for too much information about the Syndicate that they might use to recruit more members.  Xanood is a turquoise-blue gecko-like creature, about the size of an earthly housecat, but will swell up to human size if given alcohol.  "The Syndicate would be happy to assign you a bodyguard in exchange for getting Xanood home before he writes too many checks to the Bhagwan or whatever they do there."

As a sign of good faith, he assigns Absalom, a Doguloid from Sirius Alpha, to join their crew.  Absalom looks like an oversized bulldog's head on Danny DeVito's body, with a wardrobe stolen from He-Man.  Before turning to leave, Ajax pulled out baby Bobby Jennerick, showed him to Dreego, and said "What will you give me for this?"

Two hundred Blue Bucks and a dozen tabs of "Melting Clock" later, Bobby Jennerick was installed in a gilded bird cage hanging over Dreego's desk.  "Well, that's taken care of," Ajax said happily.
How often am I going to get to reference MOM AND DAD
SAVE THE WORLD in a game?

Receiving coordinates for the approximate location of the Alpha-Omega base, they are returned to the Good Ship Venus and set out on their mission.  Recalling that Xanood's species has a powerful cultural affectation for humanoid buttocks, as well as for watching girl-on-girl action, they call the number on the card Ajax was given, asking to hire the two girls with the biggest asses for a weekend getaway.  After some negotiating, they settled on hiring only one - a pearl-skinned, magenta-haired woman named Galaxy Minaj - and pairing her with Zora, who took the opportunity to come out of the closet and identify as a lesbian.

Investigating the asteroid belt said to house the Alpha-Omega compound, their scanners pick up a weak electromagnetic signal coming from one of the giant floating rocks.  They soon find an entrance into the hollow asteroid and within, a docking bay.  Exploring, they discover a cryogenic freezing chamber, full of glass cases containing frozen Abominable Snowmen.  They also find a locker of blaster rifles sized for the Abominable Snowmen.  Zora can heft one awkwardly, but discovers that Minaj's posterior makes an excellent gunrest.  After some discussion, they decide to leave the frozen Snowmen alone and return to their ship.

Further scanning picks up the energy signature of a cargo ship; as this system is otherwise uninhabited, it must be heading for the Alpha-Omega compound. Following it, they soon find the sprawling, concrete compound, covering the bulk of a large asteroid.

The cargo ship lands in a recessed docking bay and begins to unload dozens of large, stompy robot soldiers.  Realizing that this was an oddity, Arden used his psychic powers to turn two of the robots against their fellows, destroying one of their number and leading the robots to stand around bickering about who shot who and whose fault it is.

At this point, RoBoBot, a Zedi Knight, felt a great disturbance in the Way, and realized that one of the Knights in Black Satin, twisted and evil, was present.  Drawing his laser nunchucks, he steeled himself to confront this evil.

Within the main chamber of the compound, they found the Dark Zedi confronting the leaders of the cult, demanding the "Solarmanite" Bomb.  Turning, they were introduced to Darth Whiskerbiscuit, a woman in the slutty women's Halloween costume version of Vader's armor, the crotchless bodysuit revealing her wild and untamed bush.  RoBoBot challenged her to a duel, with Ajax and Davey Johnson providing distraction; Arden, Zora and Galaxy Minaj slipped past this and swiftly found Queqoo Xanood's monastic cell.

Inside, Xanood was meditating, lotus-position, on the ceiling, unaware of the world around him.  Even the sounds of a hot and heavy makeout session between Zora and Minaj couldn't rouse him, until Zora decided to "Steal the Show" (a game mechanic allowing her to double her dice pool to do something awesome) with a sex act so extreme it has no name in the known universe.  With a squeaky cry of "Yahooooooooo!" Xanood launched himself from the ceiling, planting himself between the buttocks of Minaj and Zora.  Zora grabbed the little guy and wedged him firmly between Minaj's cheeks to keep him from going anywhere.

Meanwhile, RoBoBot scored an early victory in his duel with Darth Whiskerbiscuit, shaving her rebellious thatch of pubic hair off with a measured swing of his laser nunchucks, only to feel the bite of her laser whip coil around his neck and constrict.  In a moment, RoBoBot's body evaporated, his empty blue sash falling to the ground.

With RoBoBot's allies concentrating their fire on her, Darth Whiskerbiscuit decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and turning on her spiked heel with a dramatic flair of her cape (which doubled as mooning everyone present) fled back to the cargo ship, ignoring the still-bickering robots.  Concentrated fire from Zora, Arden, Ajax and Davey blew a directional vane off the ship, sending it spiraling out of the hangar as it tried to fly off.  "Good, I'm sure it will crash into something and explode," said RoBoBot's blue-tinted Way Ghost.

A few days later, the crew of the Good Ship Venus rendezvoused with Dreego's Assteroid to hand off Xanood (prying him out of Zora's crack, where he'd been imprisoned since the end of Minaj's weekend contract) for deprogramming.  Absalom was assigned permanently to serve as Zora's bodyguard, and Dreego concluded the meeting with, "We'll, ah, we'll be in touch, with, ah, more jobs to suit your, erm, skills in the ah, future," giving Xanood a furtive sniff before dropping the lizard-like alien down a pneumatic tube.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man, you were playing Alpha Blue like it was meant to be played... instant regrets, assteroids, caulk-blocked! Well done, sir. ;)