Murderhoboes of Devil's Canyon, Session 6: Going Out With a Bang

We wrapped up our current D&D campaign this past weekend, which not only frees up my writerly creativity for a secret writing project I've got in the works, but also frees up my weekends for the Painting Challenge.  Here's a rundown of how things went:

Dramatis Personae:

Johann Borscht, Dwarf Fighter 4
Baphomohawk Jones, Elf Magic-User 3
Turkman Price, Human Cleric 3
Helga Ironbreaker, Dwarf Fighter 3

Adventurers and ne'er do wells were beginning to drift away from Devil's Canyon, citing that the dungeon had been "played out" and the risks now far outweighed the rewards, but our heroes continued to stick around, blasting things with their Cosmic Ray Cannon and counting the staggering quantity of gold they'd accumulated by doing so.

After a few weeks of this, they were summoned to the floating tower of Meinrad the Star-Gazer, now doubled in size again (standing 24' tall if he'd stand up) due to the weird magical energies he was channeling, and with a TOTAL RECALL-style conjoined twin growing out of his chest that now did the talking for him.

like this, but still dressed like Galactus

He explained he was going to be leaving the Devil's Canyon region soon, but had one last job for the PCs.  A hundred miles north, on the coast of the Sunset Sea, stood a temple held by a band of cultists who had summoned and bound the demon VANAMAN: the last time VANAMAN was unleashed upon the world, fifteen million years earlier, it had exterminated the Second Empire of the Serpent-Men.  Meinrad wanted the adventurers to breach the seals on VANAMAN's bindings and banish it back to Hell.  This would not be easy, as the complex was shielded by a device called a "Nullifier" that prevented energy weapons, teleportation and scrying effects from functioning within 20 miles of the complex.  Meinrad was willing to offer them teleportation to the edge of the Null Zone and explosives to deal with the bunker housing the Nullifier.

Sneaking in under cover of darkness and bypassing a hovercraft-mounted patrol, they quickly found the temple, standing on a promontory of rock on the edge of the sea, and the bunker, standing atop an outcropping rising from the waves about 20 yards out to sea.

Crossing the water, and using their talking dog Asheron as a distraction for the guards, they broken

into the shield generator bunker and began to plant their explosives, setting the timer for an hour.  This would give them time, they figures, to infiltrate the temple, find the leader of the cultists and kill him to ensure he did not release VANAMAN.

Killing two guards and stealing their uniforms, Johann and Turkman led a loosely manacled Helga into the complex, claiming they'd caught her snooping around the perimeter, while Baphomohawk, magically invisible, followed behind carefully.  Their ruse worked, and they were soon brought to see Voros, the leader of the cult.

Voros turned out to be a doddering, talkative old man whose comments about VANAMAN and what they were doing to contain it began to make Helga doubt that Meinrad had been on the up-and-up regarding their mission.  Before she could convince her fellows, however, the explosives went off, destroying the bunker, and Turkman brained Voros to death.

They quickly learned, however, that Voros was correct; that VANAMAN was a terrible creation of the Elder Things, the last of whom maintained a lonely vigil over the containment unit containing the hovering silver sphere of VANAMAN, until blasted apart by a Cosmic Ray Blast; a shot to the containment unit caused the sphere to collapse into flowing, quicksilver-like liquid that began to throw out pseudopods and consume anything it touched, growing rapidly in size.

Energy blasts caused the VANAMAN entity to double in size with each shot, and it quickly devoured Johann's meteor-bladed axe.  Running outside, the party soon saw Meinrad's Tower floating overhead, and were teleported aboard.

Here, the creature that was Meinrad gloated that the PCs had done exactly as he wished, and now, with the coming galactic alignment, he would absorb the "Power Cosmic," become a god, and with the VANAMAN under his psychic control, conquer world after world throughout the universe.  He offered the PCs the chance to become his Heralds, the fly the spaceways and find new worlds for him to conquer.

Johann blasted Meinrad with a Cosmic Ray Blast, the beam slicing through the engines holding the tower aloft on its way towards the unholy warlock.  Dying, Meinrad revealed that without his psychic control, the VANAMAN - not a demon, but tens of trillions of self-replicating nanobots, "Von Neuman Machines" in the Old Speak - would consume the entirety of the planet's mass and everything on it in a matter of months.

Johann went to the window, where he could see his Cosmic Ray Cannon.  With a tear in his eye and a mutter of "best damn investment ever," he pointed the targeting gauntlet at the Cannon itself, overloading the capacitors and setting off a massive thermonuclear explosion, which would hopefully destroy the VANAMAN.  As the expanding, incandescent cloud of screaming atomic energy reached the tower, Helga threw an amulet of force-field generation around hers and Asheron's necks.

The tower, the temple, everything in them, and the surrounding landscape for thirty miles in every direction, was completely consumed, reduced to a fine, white ash.

A bit of ash crumbles, and Asheron the Talking Dog pops his head up and surveys the landscape.

"Wow!" he barks, "Do it again!"

Murderhoboes of Devil's Canyon Session 5: Fire When Ready

After almost a month away, we reconvened!

Dramatis Personae:
Johann Borscht, Dwarf Fighter 3
Baphomohawk Jones, Elf Wizard 3
Yngwie Magnusson, Dwarf Thief 3 (deceased)
Brunhilda von Sass, Elf Fighter 2 (deceased)

Replacement Characters:
Skogul von Sass, Elf Fighter 2
Turkman Price, Human Cleric 2

Flush from the victorious counting of coins and appraising of gems, Johann Borscht gleefully dragged a bag of money into Old Man Walter's Junk Shop, purchasing the Cosmic Ray Cannon he'd put on layaway weeks earlier.  With it, he received a chrome-plated gauntlet connected to the Cannon's onboard targeting computer, allowing him to "throw the horns" at a target and have the Cannon calibrate and fire, as well as a spare battery pack and a battery recharger, ensuring he'd never run out of firepower.  He proceeded to test the Cannon by disintegrating a couple trees, including one apparently possessed by a demon - and then disintegrating the demon.  Carefully pocketing the gauntlet and storing the Cannon in the Sagoth Caves for safe-keeping, the party returned to the town of Devil's Canyon and their local watering hole, the Chunderdome, to plan their next move.

They quickly learned that Vathek the Diviner is still offering a reward for the iron-bound Book of Necron, which he has seen in the caves via his crystal ball, guarded by corrosive slime creatures.  They also learned that another adventuring group, the Scofflaws of Renown, ventured into the cave of the Sloth-Toads to retrieve the magic sword of Delos the Throat-Slitter and never returned.  The appeal of a magic sword led them to decide to enter the cave of the Sloth-Toads themselves, even hiring Vaako, the former torchbearer of Delos, as a guide.

Their first foray into the swamp that fronted the cave proved less than successful, as a monstrous hybrid of swan and scorpion rose up and promptly sliced off one of Yngwie's legs with its claws, then slicing and stinging Brunhilda von Sass to death before Johann could hack the monster apart with his ax.

[Game Master aside: Brunhilda von Sass is played by my girlfriend, and was her first RPG character ever.  I count myself blessed I'm not sleeping on the couch for the next week.]

Retreating and recruiting, Johann and Baphomohawk picked up Skogul von Sass, Brunhilda's bitchier sister with an eye for getting people in her debt, and Turkman Price, a cleric of Nyarlathotep bedecked in plate armor and a particularly stupid corkscrew hat.

Their second trip was much less eventful, until nearing the mouth of the cave, when numerous giant frogs surfaced from the swamp muck, their bodies coated with mangy patches of greasy black hair, some of them with extra eyes - they didn't harass the adventurers, just watched.  Baphomohawk recalled that these mutations were likely a sign that the area was consecrated to the Dread God Kzadool-Ra.

Entering the cave, they spotted a cluster of Sloth-Toads -- five foot tall humanoid toads, their bodies covered in patchy black hair and with large, pointed ears.  These creatures were crouching behind a pile of rocks, watching the adventurers but not advancing.  At the far end of the cave were an enormous pair of bronze doors, and on the other side a sub-cavern, from which quickly emerged a special minion of Kzadool-Ra -- an enormous toad whose eyes snapped open, bathing the cave with blinding light.

Fortunately, the adventurers had come prepared, having been warned of this creature by Vaako, and only Turkman was blinded by the light.  Shielded behind a welding mask, Johann threw the horns, eager to discover if his Cosmic Ray Cannon, now positioned on a ledge outside the Sagoth cave, could target the creature.

It could, and in a moment everything within 30' was splashed with the flesh of this creature, the light gone.  The Toad-Sloths, seeing this grumbled and slouched out into the swamp.  Forcing open the bronze doors, they found themselves in a long hallway, the walls polished and carved into detailed reliefs, which Skogul took the time to examine, determining that they told the story of this temple - that a heretical sect of Serpent Men turned their backs on Father Set to worship Kzadool-Ra, set up shop here, and were cursed by Set, transforming them into the dull-witted, non-sorcerous Sloth-Toads.

At the end of this hallway, a second set of doors led into a football field-sized chamber, with two doors on the left and three on the right, and a 30' tall statue of Kzadool-Ra, appearing as a gigantic sleepy black toad, covered in fur, with large batlike ears, reposing in a Buddha-like recline.  The statue's eyes consisted of a pair of giant yellow-green gems, carved into spheres and enchanted to glow, illuminating the room faintly.

Investigating the rooms on the left revealed a pair of treasure vaults; Johann began shoveling coinage, much of it belonging to empires long fallen, into their Bag of Holding, while Skogul found the magic sword they'd been looking for.  One of the doors on the right opened, with a pair of sword-carrying Sloth-Toads emerging, but they were quickly dissuaded, and investigating the other two doors revealed Sloth-Toads that simply refused to acknowledge the adventurer's presence, even when Johann hacked apart one of them that was wearing a hat resembling a bishop's miter.  And stole his hat.

Vaako was sent to try and pry the eyes loose from the statue of Kzadool-Ra, and after working one free, something grabbed him and started pulling him into the (apparently hollow) statue.  Johann blasted the statue apart with the Cosmic Ray Cannon, and from the rubble emerged a flowing blot of inky blackness, like a slithering absence of light.  Johann blasted it again and again with the Cosmic Ray Cannon, each bolt dividing the slithering blackness into smaller entities that continued to ooze sluggishly forward until finally broken down by the power he was throwing at it.

Returning home, they made a stop-off at the Sagoth cave to return the Cannon to storage and to arrange for the Sagoths to loot the cavern of the Sloth-Toads in its entirety on the adventurers' behalf.

A cursory examination confirmed the enchantment on the sword - a +1 Shortsword, +3 vs. Diurnal Mammals, granting the wielder Darkvision (or, if they already have it, doubling the range), and on a natural 20, a swarm of Giant Vampire Bats descending on the target for one round - and also revealed an enchanted ring in the treasure gathered by Johann.

As Turkman held the heavy platinum ring, set with an enormous amethyst and a dozen tiny diamonds, he heard a whisper in his mind to place the ring upon his finger.  Considering this no more ominous than the usual voices he hears in his mind, he slipped the ring on, instantly being aware of its power - three times a day it could fire a bolt of crackling eldritch energy, and could do much more when reunited with its "other half," ensconced in the Temple of Zygak-Xith on the Purple Islands far to the west.

Murderhoboes Session 4: Don't Eat the Worm

We had an excellent session today, and I think I'll largely let the write-up speak for itself, though let me just say (with no small amount of pride) that my girlfriend Gina, playing Elf Fighter Brunhilda Von Sass, proved herself a natural at roleplaying, really got into her character and the act of dungeon-crawling.  So without further ado, let's get into things:

Dramatis Personae:

Johann Borscht, Bringer of Meat, Breaker of Snakes, Dwarf Fighter 3
Yngwie Magnusson, Dwarf Thief 2
Legolas "Baphomohawk" Jones, Elf Magic-User 2
Brunhilda von Sass, Elf Fighter 1

While sitting around the Chunderdome listening to current gossip regarding the caves and debating which rumors to follow up on, the PCs were approached - not by a person, but by a glowing green sphere, floating serenely through the air, perfectly smooth and roughly the size of a cantaloupe.  Coming to rest in the air above their table, the voice of Meinrad the Star-Gazer echoed from it.  He explained that he had a job for them, if they so desired; he would pay them 1200 GP in star-sapphires if they would go investigate the castle of the wizard Ambrose the Golden, and find out why he's not answering his crystal ball - also, to pick up a copy of the Complete Astronomical Treatises of Trioculus the Thrice-Mad, which Ambrose had agreed to loan to Meinrad.

The PCs agreed, and the sphere shot a beam of green energy out, manifesting Meinrad's teleportation chain on the table.  The PCs each grabbed hold and pulled, teleporting them to the outskirts of Ambrose's property.

Here, the first thing they saw was a 12' tall guy with grass for a beard, branches growing out of the top of his head and bark for skin swinging a club at a bunch of soldiers in yellow and blue livery who were hassling him with spears.  Intervening, they quickly learned that this was the Woodsman, a forest spirit whom the wizard Ambrose had taken in and given a home and purpose to - and who was being blamed by the guardsmen for Ambrose's disappearance, on the grounds that his tower was completely covered in thorny, fire-resistant vines and who else could have caused them to grow overnight?

Unconvinced, the PCs asked the captain of the guards to take them to see the tower, which he did; here, the PCs were introduced to Aureus and Halycon, a pair of young adult Gold Dragons allied with Ambrose, currently trying and failing to claw or burn their way through the vines completely covering the northwest tower of the keep.  They also met Bernard, Ambrose's apprentice and castellan, who explained that the vines even penetrated the stone in places, forbidding entrance to the tower through the interior doors as well as sealing off the outside.  Some experimentation proved that Baphomohawk's X-Ray Pulse Rifle damaged the vines better than dragonfire did, and Bernard suggested using it against the interior door, where the vines were thinner, promising them magic items from the castle vaults in exchange for getting in and finding out what happened to Ambrose.

They managed to burn their way through the vines coating the interior door with the X-Ray rifle, though the vines fought back, entangling Johann, Yngwie and Baphomohawk (and nearly killing the poor goat-headed mage in the process) before being overwhelmed by Brunhilda and her bastard sword.

Entering, they found themselves in a lounge designed for entertaining guests, where Brunhilda quickly found a secret liquor cabinet and applied a moral litmus test to the rest of the party - having argued vehemently against Yngwie looting the tower in full hearing range of Bernard, she proceeded to put Ambrose's most expensive and magical liquors in her bag to see what the rest of the party would do.  Their outrage at her actions convinced her that they were people she'd be willing to continue adventuring with.

Searching the rest of the floor, they found a smoking room containing a wide variety of pipes, cigars, and an eight-foot tall hookah of ivory, crystal and brass; they also found Ambrose's study.  Heading to the second floor, they discovered Ambrose's bed chambers, a walk-in closet full of robes in various shades of yellow, and a bathroom with indoor plumbing.  The bed was rumpled and the bed-curtains torn, suggesting a struggle took place.

if I had been smart, I would have bought Gummy Worms for
this session.  

Brunhilda and Johann went down to double-check the study, intent on opening Ambrose's desk to see if they could find any evidence of him having enemies or recent fallings-out, while Yngwie and Baphomohawk (and more importantly, Baphomohawk's talking dog Asheron) carefully searched the bedroom.  While the study proved fruitless in regards enemies, Yngwie did find a fat green worm slithering slowly across the carpet; picking it up drove it wild, and he carefully put it in a small leather bag.

Going up a flight of stairs, they found themselves in Ambrose's disorderly, overflowing library, books piled in haphazard arrangements and spilling off of mismatched shelves.  Also in this room, they encountered two guys in filthy ringmail armor, ragged bile-green cloaks, and their faces painted to resemble skulls.  When Brunhilda demanded to know their business, they attacked, charging in with heavy maces (the heads shaped like stylized skulls), though one stumbled over a book and came sliding in towards Brunhilda.

Attempting to intimidate that one, Brunhilda tried to stomp on his arm and slam her swordblade down an inch from his neck...and instead chopped his arm completely off, killing him instantly from massive blood loss.  They managed to incapacitate and bind the second one for interrogation - learning that they'd come to Ambrose's tower seeking the Gilded Skull of Malygris, all that remained of an ancient lich who'd been an adherent of their death-seeking Worm Cult.  They also learned that there were four more cultists elsewhere in the tower.

Threatening the cultist with both death and immortality (a bluff by Baphomohawk), they also learned that this cult wasn't interested in death, but rather in undeath - that those who were faithful servants of the Worm God Kyuss would serve forever as undead, a fate to be envied.  Having learned as much as they thought they would from him, Johann casually decapitated him.

Brunhilda dressed herself in the attire of the cultists, and Baphomohawk did her makeup to make her resemble the skull-faced weirdos, so that they could maybe bluff the remaining cultists.

Finding them two stories up in the attic, the bluff worked long enough for Yngwie to sneak around and kill two cultists with his laser pistol - exploding one cultist's head and boring a golf ball-sized hole through another's chest - before they caught on, at which point the party quickly executed the other two, having learned that their leader, a wizard named Azederac, was in the catacombs under the castle and could be accessed via trapdoor under the couch in the lounge.

Descending, they decided to try the bluff again - with Brunhilda acting as a cultist who'd caught an intruder (Johann) who appeared tightly bound, but was in fact free to act; the "Chewbacca Deception," if you will.

Azederac, but with a headscarf instead of a fez.

Azederac, a tall gaunt man dressed in bile-green robes and a black headscarf, was busy waterboarding Ambrose with potions of Inflict Light Wounds in which green Kyuss-worms swam, and at first seemed completely taken by the deception, and was seemingly eager to discuss the theology of Kyussism with Johann.  To prove a point, he called over a thoroughly worm-infested walking corpse, its facial orifices overflowing with fat green worms.  At the sight of this thing, Brunhilda and Baphomohawk panicked and retreated, while Johann dropped the captive act and swung his battle axe at the undead horror.  Yngwie, meanwhile, took a potshot at Azederac with his laser pistol.

The undead thing clawed at Johann, and worms shot from its eyes and mouth at him, but he deflected the attempts at infestation while Yngwie continued to shoot at the wizard, who was soon revealed to be a reanimated mummy.  With the elves recovering their composure and returning, Azederac blasted the party with a Sleep spell, to which only Johann proved resistant.  Cutting the worm-infested corpse in half, he stepped over it and challenged the undead wizard.

Shrugging off Azederac's Magic Missile, Johann charged, decapitating the mummy with a single swing of his axe.  The corpse collapsed into dust, and so did the magical vines he'd raised around the tower.

Waking the rest of the party, Johann carried the barely-alive Ambrose upstairs, where Bernard was waiting with several healing potions, two of which Johann gratefully drank while Brunhilda pocketed a third.  The rest were poured down Ambrose's throat, reviving him.

Explaining what had happened  - and noting that the Kyuss-cult had been operating under bad information; he'd sold the gilded skull of Malygris some months back - Ambrose happily rewarded the PCs with 200 GP apiece as well as the magic items promised by Bernard; the PCs received a Bag of Holding, a Cloak of Elvenkind, a Chime of Opening and a Ring of Protection, +1 for their troubles, in addition to a magic staff, the Staff of Decay, and a pair of Bracers of Armor they'd taken off Azederac's remains, plus the reward of 1200 GP from Meinrad, which they received upon delivery of the book.

Tallying up the party's wealth, they quickly realized they had enough money banked for Johann to purchase the Cosmic Ray Cannon from Old Man Walter.

***

This was really a last-minute adventure.  I wrote it yesterday in about an hour, from ideas loosely assembled Friday while at work - on a break I happened to read Chris Kutalik's blogpost Derailing Castle Amber, then pulled up the module and read it on lunch, and spent the afternoon thinking about how to incorporate more Clark Ashton Smith into D&D; the Kyuss cult was originally going to be a cult of Mordiggian, Smith's "Charnel God," and then I decided I wanted to use Sons of Kyuss out of the Fiend Folio as "muscle" for the cult, and then it turned into a Kyuss cult.  The names "Azederac" and "Malygris" of course come from Smith.

Azederac here isn't a standard D&D mummy, but rather a Carcosa-style mummy, being a reanimated sorcerer with full intellect and spellcasting ability - kind of a "diet lich." He ended up being 7th level because I needed him to be a high enough level to cast Plant Growth, to account for the vines encasing the tower.

Overall the session went really well; the players were really jazzed up and wanted to keep going even, but I had to call time because it was getting late (and I knew Baphomohawk's player had work).  Baphomohawk and Yngwie both hit 3rd level, while Brunhilda hit 2nd, and we'll handle leveling up and shopping at the beginning of next session.

Murderhoboes Session 3: "I Thought We Were Playing D&D, Not Gamma World"

We had a smaller group this week - Baphomohawk Jones' player wasn't feeling well, Icarus Dicarus had work, and Alf the Elf's player is indisposed for the foreseeable future, but we pressed on - three players is enough for me to run with, and they did pretty well for themselves here.

Dramatis Personae:

Johann Borscht, Dwarf Fighter 2
Yngwie Magnusson, Dwarf Thief 2
Lugh Light-Fingers, Elf Fighter 1

Lugh Light-Fingers was the last surviving member of the first expedition Meinrad the Star-Gazer sent down into his basement to kill the demon one of his grad students had summoned.  He'd seen his fellow adventurers killed by the demon, drained of blood and then raised as zombies under the demon's control.  Determined to finish the job or go down fighting, when he saw the splashes of energy from Baphomohawk's X-Ray Pulse Rifle and Icarus Dicarus' laser pistol, he knew where the creature was.  He also spotted Yngwie Magnusson, clinging to a support pillar, ready to drop if the creature came around the corner; Yngwie saw him as well, and signalled to him that the creature was around the corner.

The two magic-users (NPC'd for the session) fired off another fruitless volley, and Lugh called out to draw the creature's attention.  The creature turned, following Lugh down the hallway, where Yngwie attempted to drop down onto it with his sword.  He missed with the sword, and landed crotch-first on the creature's serrated, scaly back.  At this, Johann charged around the corner at the creature, while Icarus and Baphomohawk took up positions to shoot into the melee.

They managed to defeat the creature, not least because Johann's axe, taken from the dead hands of a caveman chieftain, was composed of meteoric iron - "star metal" - inimical to creatures from the Hungering Dark such as this one.  Unfortunately, he also got hit with friendly fire from Baphomohawk's X-Ray Pulse Rifle and mutated a little - he can now stretch his arms and legs out to lengths of 45 feet.


They collected the remainder of their payment - 300 gp worth of star sapphires - and were teleported back to the Chunderdome (the local tavern).  Johann took his axe to be refurbished - he wanted the blade forged into an actual blade, as the Sagoth chieftain had only hammered a crude edge into a chunk of meteorite and then they settled down to listen to the news of the day and recuperate.  Most of the rumors they overheard related to the Pig-Men that held a cave in the southern end of the canyon; these long-snouted humanoids were violent and aggressive, regularly warring against their neighbors.  Johann heard that a band of Sabertooth Apes had pledged allegiance to the Pig-Man King, and Lugh overheard someone saying that the Pig-Man King wore a suit of enchanted plate armor, the legendary Carnifex Panoply - whose wearer is invulnerable so long as the armor is regularly fed the blood of the weak.  Yngwie also heard that a local diviner was offering a reward for any who brought him the iron-bound Book of Nekron, believed to be lost in the caves.

Retrieving Johann's upgraded axe - now fully forged into a proper blade, complete with a cut-out in the shape of the Dwarven rune for "Fury" - they set out for the Sagoth caves, so that Johann could learn what they know of the Pig-Men.  From them, he learned that the Pig-Men are primarily active at night, are heavy drinkers, and the females are as vicious and warlike as the males.  Whistling up One-Eye, the four-armed Devil Ape sworn to serve him as bodyguard, Johann led the way to the Pig-Man cave.

Yngwie took point once in the caves, and soon found a room full of sleeping, drunken Pig-Men, whose throats he began quietly slitting.  While he was engaged in this, a patrol of seven Pig-Men warriors spotted and attacked Johann and Lugh, who made short work of the Pig-Men without receiving a scratch.  While they were busy with these guards, Yngwie rounded up every scrap of coinage to be found among the bedrolls and belongings of the slain Pig-Men.

Continuing down the hallway, they came to a large set of iron double-doors, set with knockers and knobs shaped like eagles' claws.  Checking for traps and finding none, Yngwie grabbed the knobs and pulled - and the knobs sprung to life, crushing his hands in their iron grip.  When Johann and Lugh pulled him free, the doors opened - and standing there was Burzak Gut-Ripper, the King of the Pig-Men, standing eight feet tall and weighing probably 600 lbs, two pairs of tusks jutting from his lower jaw and a third pair rising up out of the top of his snout.  "Looking for me?" he grunted with a wicked grin, swinging an enormous rusty greatsword at Yngwie.

The three adventurers fought back hard, but it was One-Eye who saved the day - by grabbing Burzak by the head and wrenching his head completely off in one smooth motion.  Johann quickly stripped Burzak's corpse and stretched himself into the armor, now standing eight feet tall as he put on the helmet Burzak's snout prevented him from wearing.  They quickly put Burzak's three hideous wives to the sword and began to loot his chambers, opening up an iron chest containing a significant amount of coinage.

Deciding to press on, they found a secret door in Burzak's quarters - one that led into a room with strange furniture made from a lightweight white material and a cubicle.  Entering the cubicle, they found a pair of buttons, both triangular, one pointing "up" and the other "down." Pressing the "up" button did nothing, but pressing the other caused the cubicle to sink into the floor.

Exiting the cubicle, they found themselves in a room that blasted them with icy, bitter-tasting water before allowing them to continue on through the far door.  Here they found a central gallery containing rows of glass-fronted cabinets, each containing dozens of small screw-top vials half-filled with purplish jelly.  Two side rooms each contained a large vat or tub of white material set into the floor, half-full of jelly, with a raised podium at one end, topped by a panel containing 25 holes, some of which have crystalline pegs in them.  Each of these side rooms also had a glass-doored cell at one end; one of these is empty save for a dozen or so spidery mechanical limbs hanging from the ceiling, the other contains this apparatus and a flopping, stingray-like creature covered in feathers.

The final room of this complex contained a crescent-shaped altar of white material.  Upon entering the room, the PCs were confronted with a 15' tall vortex of swirling purple fire that identified itself as "the Vat-Lord" and demanded the PCs' identities and loyalty.  It demanded that "biomatter" be brought to it and fed into the vats in the side rooms for "rendering" so that the Vat-Lord could convert it into new guardians to protect itself from its enemies.  The Vat-Lord promised to reward the PCs loyalty, and so they began bringing down Pig-Man carcasses to throw into the vats.

Unfortunately, exposure to the Vat-Lord's energies triggered mutation responses in Yngwie and Lugh; Yngwie's left arm shriveled up until he just had a tiny, flipper-like hand sticking out of his shoulder, while Lugh developed the ability to breath fire.  Angry about this development, Yngwie asked the Vat-Lord to grow him a new arm, and cut the hand off his shoulder.  Unfortunately, he did not specify "an arm to match the one I already have" and so ended up with a lobster claw for a left arm.  He decided to accept this.
The Vat-Lord admitted to the PCs that it wasn't sure who its enemies were, just that it had them, commenting that it's "memory banks" had become corrupted over time.  The PCs began asking how they could be repaired, and Johann made the mistake of asking if the Vat-Lord would faithfully serve whomever repaired it.  The Vat-Lord's response to this was to order Yngwie and Lugh to execute the traitorous Johann for treason.  At this, the adventurers decided to leave, promising the Vat-Lord more biomatter - and then Yngwie shot the "control panel" altar a few times with the laser pistol he'd borrowed from Icarus.

After this, they decided to collect and count out the miscellaneous coinage and gems they'd collected from the Pig-Men, and Yngwie resolved to try selling some of the bottled "biomatter" he'd stolen from the Vat-Lord to Meinrad the Star-Gazer and to Old Man Walter.

Murderhoboes Session 2: Sh*t Goes Bonkers

We had session 2 of the campaign today, with one new player trying out role-playing games for the first time ever - which is a profoundly rewarding experience for me, introducing the act of role-playing to someone new and seeing their face light up as they start to really have fun with.  Unfortunately, while my girlfriend Gina had been considering playing, she got the call to go into work today and thus had to bow out.  So our cast list today is as follows:

Dramatis Personae:
Johann Borscht, aka The Bringer of Meat, aka The Breaker of Snakes, Dwarf Fighter 2
Legolas "Mohawk" Jones, Elf Magic-User 2
Manfrey the Magnificent, Human Magic-User 2 (Deceased, this session)
Yngwie Magnusson, Dwarf Thief 1 (Manfrey's replacement)
Icarus Dicarus, Elf Magic-User 1 (a 2'6" Christmas Elf, rather than a Tolkienesque Elf)

(Alf the Elf's player could not make this session, due to attending a wedding)

And the Hired Help:

Burdo, Human Man-at-Arms 0, employed by Manfrey
Murg, Human (masquerading as Dwarf) Man-at-Arms 0, employed by Mohawk (Deceased, this session)
Willow, Gymore and Durig, Torchbearers, employed by Mohawk
Margard, Human Man at-Arms 0, employed by Mohawk
Cormar, Human Man-at-Arms 0, employed by Mohawk
Asheron, War-Dog, employed by Mohawk

Three weeks after their adventure with the Yip-Yips, Johann and his comrades have lived high on the hog off of their spoils - enough gold for each of them to walk away with 200 GP, as well as four vials - one of Holy Water, one of Alchemist's Fire, one a Potion of Cure Light Wounds, and the last an Oil of Magic Weapon.  Johann was reciting the tale of their adventures to a new drinking buddy, the Elf Icarus Dicarus (who looks like a 2-foot tall Vin Diesel wearing a hood with a jingle-bell on it), when he heard a commotion outside, in which the yipping barks of a Yip-Yip could be heard.

Stepping outside, Johann saw three toughs kicking a Yip-Yip around like a soccer ball.  Intervening, Johann soon learned that this was Yap-Snout, one of the greatest champions of the Yip-Yips, or as he introduced himself, "Destroyer of Tennis Balls, Sniffer of Many Butts." Yap-Snout explained that he'd come to beg for Johann's aid - that the Sagoths of the Tribe of Go-Yat, along with their "pet" Devil Apes, have laid siege to the Yip-Yip cave in retaliation for the slaughter of the bandits three weeks earlier.  Most of the Yip-Yips made it to safety in the narrow escape tunnels they'd dug under their cave - but not all.

Rounding up as much of the gang as possible, Johann allowed Yap-Snout to lead them back to the caves.  Just out front of the cave, four brutish Sagoths were sitting around a fire, laughing as they roasted a Yip-Yip on a spit.  Johann lobbed an Alchemist's Fire (produced by Manfrey during his downtime) into the center of their fire, creating an explosion and sending the Sagoths into a panic.  Icarus followed this up with a casting of Sleep - knocking the Sagoths unconscious.  The spell had a secondary effect - due to the thaumaturgic energies permeating the region, Icarus experienced a magical mutation, sprouting horns from his head.

Quickly slitting the throats of the Sagoths, the adventurers cautiously entered the cave, soon encountering one of the Devil Apes of the Sagoths - enormous, eight-foot tall gorillas, hairless save for a mohawk-like crest, with milk-white skin, beady red eyes, and four powerful arms.  One of these beasts was squatting in the cave, its face and hands bloody, casually eating a Yip-Yip carcass, tiny bones crunching between huge yellow molars.  The beast soon smelled the adventurers, and turned to face them - getting an Alchemist's Fire thrown in its face by Manfrey.  Coated with burning, jellied chemicals, the Devil Ape charged, grabbing Manfrey in its four enormous hands and tearing him into pieces - before dying of its burns and collapsing atop the four fragments of the once-Magnificent Manfrey.

Advancing even more cautiously now that one of their number was dead, they soon found the last stand of the Yip-Yips - behind a complicated, locked door of thick bronze, being pounded on by a pair of Devil Apes.  Another squad of four Sagoths watched with hungry interest, and a Sagoth sub-chief, distinguished by his stone axe (as opposed to the simple clubs of his underlings), egging on the two Apes.

Legolas "Mohawk" Jones fired off a Hold Portal spell to prevent the Devil Apes from hammering down the bronze door - and promptly mutated, hir once-androgynously appealing Elf face transforming into that of a goat, though s/he kept hir pink mohawk and ability to speak.  Then Johann threw another two Alchemist's Fires at the Apes, frying one in a crispy instant and enraging the other.  Johann then slammed the door to the room, positioning himself (and Murg, the other axe-swinger in the party), to attack anything that came through it.

The door flew off its hinges as the Devil Ape slammed into it; Johann got a face full of splinters, and Murg died with a face full of door.  Johann buried his axe in the giant ape's forehead, and Icarus bashed Legolas' crowbar (slathered with Oil of Magic Weapon) into the beast's chin.  Roaring, the Devil Ape shuddered and died in the doorway.

Seeing the two Devil Apes slain so swiftly, the Sagoths immediately surrendered.  Icarus was able to communicate with them, and ordered them to return to their own cave, round up Chief Go-Yat, They scrambled off, and the adventurers set up an ambush after checking on the Yip-Yips and offering them the meat of the slain Devil Apes as a gift.

basically what Chief Go-Yat looked like

Chief Go-Yat, an enormous brute whose thick red hair was streaked with gray and half of whose face was a mass of scar tissue, soon showed off, striding into the cave like he owned the place, completely assured of his victory.  He quickly tripped over Icarus' silk rope, strung across the doorway, and when he fell, Johann lopped off his head in a single swing - and claimed Go-Yat's massive axe, its blade crudely hammered out of meteoric iron, for himself.  Stepping outside and raising the captured axe to the assembled throng of Sagoths, he accepted kingship over them.

Johann then brought the Sagoths and the Yip-Yips together, brokered peace between them, and demanded that they work together for their mutual beneficence.

Having resolved that, Icarus mentioned that he'd heard that there was a magical spring that fed the swamps at the far end of the canyon; that this water contained healing properties.  The adventurers decided to set off in search of the healing spring, bringing One-Eye - the last surviving Devil Ape, now sworn to guard Johann - with them.

Tramping through the swamp, they were accosted by a trio of undead Ghouls that appeared out of the mists; Johann was paralyzed by a ghoul's filthy claws, while Legolas threw Holy Water in the face of one of the ghouls, burning it like powerful acid.  One-Eye tore the remaining two Ghouls apart, and after a minute or so, Johann regained the use of his limbs.

like this, but with screaming human faces.

Finding a spring that seemed powerful enough to feed the entire swamp, they also found a monstrous creature drinking from it - a flea, the size of a large dog and with three human faces instead of a single flea head.  Johann attacked it with the meteoric axe he'd taken from Go-Yat, hacking the thing to bits before drinking deeply of the spring - only to learn it was not, in fact, a magical healing spring.  Disappointed, they went home to recoup and rest, taking with them a bag of miscellaneous coinage and gems they'd taken from Go-Yat's chambers, along with a quartet of elephant tusks they could sell.

goddamn right Meinrad
dresses like Galactus.

While drinking and planning their next move in the Chunderdome (and with Legolas "Baphomohawk" Jones seducing the barmaid with hir new goatish tongue), Johann encountered an old friend - the light-fingered dwarven thief Yngwie Magnusson (Manfrey's player's new character).  While catching up, they're astonished to see a ten foot tall man in outlandish purple and blue clothing stride into the bar.

"I seek adventurers of stout heart and strong constitution to perform a task," the figure rumbled, "Who has the courage to serve Meinrad, the Star-Gazer?"

Recalling that Meinrad was a local wizard whose floating tower hovered a quarter-mile north of Devil's Canyon, Johann and Yngwie immediately volunteered, asking what the task was.

"One of my graduate students summoned up that which he could not put down.  The entity now infests my basement.  I find it a nuisance, though currently my work demands too much of my attention to deal with the entity personally.  It has killed three other graduate students I sent down after it.  I believe it consumes blood."

Meinrad the Star-Gazer tossed a small pouch to Yngwie.  "Here are some star-sapphires, valued at approximately 300 Imperial gold.  You will receive its twin when the entity is banished.  You may wish to seek arcane weaponry before pursuing the creature; I believe the junk shop of Old Man Walter may offer you assistance.  I care not.  When you are ready, use this" - he tossed a looped chain ring onto the table - "to teleport to my tower." Turning, the Astrologer left the bar.

Seeking out Old Man Walter, they found a thick-bearded man in overalls manning a small shop whose shelves were overflowing with unidentifiable items.  Asking about weapons, Old Man Walter chuckled into his beard and began rummaging around.

"Well, let's see, just got this 'ere Ultraviolet Emitter in this morning!" he cackled, holding up a long, silvery tube attached to what looked like a crossbow stock.  Setting up a target out of Johann's bag of hamburger, he demonstrated the device; a squiggly purple beam that cooked the hamburger-target to a sizzling perfection.  The group decided to pass on the Ultraviolet Emitter after hearing Walter's asking price, and asked what else he had.

"Maybe y'all good folks would be more innerested in this 'ere, ehm, ah, X-Ray Pulse Rifle ah jiggered t'gether," he said, pulling out a chunkier device of crome and tinted glass.  Firing at another target, the bolts of energy from the device reversed the colors in the room (like a photographic negative) for split seconds before exploding the target.

Baphomohawk Jones bought that, while Icarus asked about smaller weapons, befitting his reduced stature.  At that, Walter brought out "a little somethin'-somethin' fer the ladies...a laser pistol, fits right in yer purse!" which, with a grumble of sexism, Icarus purchased.

Asking about anything else Walter had, Johann's eyes lit up as the old man wheeled out an artillery piece, all gleaming chrome, copper coils and tubes of cloudy purple glass, which Walter explained to be a "Cosmic Ray Cannon, ruin th' day of anyone within, oh, ah' figger in 'bout a good 20 miles o' that there barrel when this baby goes off."  Unable to meet Walter's asking price for the Cosmic Ray Cannon, Johann placed a hold on the device, resolving to come back when he had the money.

Happy with their purchases, and with new hirelings in Baphomohawk's tow (three torchbearers, and two drunken clubsmen; they decided to leave Johann's Devil Ape bodyguard behind), they tugged the teleport-chain, and after a moment of vertigo, found themselves in the Floating Tower of Meinrad the Star-Gazer.

Organizing themselves into a semblance of marching order (torchbearer, both clubsmen, Icarus and Baphomohawk with guns at the ready, Johann with the meteor axe, then the final two torchbearers), Yngwie decided to scout ahead, given his ability to move silently and see in darkness.

As he advanced down a hallway, Yngwie became aware that he wasn't hearing anything any more - not the echoing of his footsteps in the stone hallways, not the sound of his own breathing, not even the beating of his own heart.  Turning to look over his shoulder, he saw a dark shape with a long, beaked head and a serrated, crocodilian tail lower itself from the ceiling, silhouetted against the faint glow of the torches far behind him.  Darting around a corner, Yngwie could soon hear his footsteps and heart pounding again, and scrabbled up the masonry to cling to a nearby support column, up near the ceiling.  He drew his bastard sword carefully, ready to drop on the thing when it rounded the corner.

Meanwhile, Icarus, straining to see past the torch's glow, realizes he can't hear the footsteps of the torchbearer in front of him.  Shading his eyes, he realizes he can see the faint glint of the torchlight reflect off razored scales ahead of them in the darkness.

Pointing this out to Johann and Baphomohawk, the two spellcasters ready their shiny new rayguns, pulling the triggers in unison.  A beam of crackling neon orange energy and bolts of color-negating X-Radiation spat - and both shots went wide, the laser beam missing the creature's midsection by several feet, and the X-Ray blasts went over its hunched shoulders, the energy splashing harmlessly against the far wall and dissipating.

like this, but with a six-legged crocodile body

The light of the rays illuminated the creature, however, and allowed them to see what they were up against:

Mansized though hunched, the creature resembled a bipedal crocodile with a pair of long legs ending in webbed claws, a heavy, saw-edged tail, two arms ending in flexing, clawed fingers, and an intermediate set of limbs that looked like they could serve as either arms or legs.  The creature's head, however, was the worst - like a mosquito made huge, its jet-black compound eyes showed no emotion but seemed to glare at them, its palps and antennae twitching in anticipation, its needle-like proboscis dripping with the same viscous, oily substance that coated its entire body.  It turned to face the party.

And that's where we ended the session.  Cliffhanger, motherfuckers!

Murderhoboes of Devil's Canyon: Session 1

I got a group of people together this past weekend, we rolled up some 1st level Swords & Wizardry characters, and I sent them into Devil's Canyon.  Here's how things went down:

Dramatis Personae:

Johann Borscht, Dwarf Fighter 1

Legolas "Mohawk" Jones, Elf Magic-User 1

Manfrey the Magnificent, Human Magic-User 1

Alf the Elf, Elf Thief 1

These four, meeting aboard a caravan wagon, arrive in the boomtown of Devil's Canyon.  They find that the town consists of a single main street, lined with general stores, smithies, and the lone tavern in town, a local franchise of the popular tavern chain known as "the Chunderdome." Surrounding this main street was a tangle of alleyways lined with shacks and crude cottages rented or owned by adventurers seeking their fortune.

Sitting down in the Chunderdome with a round of beers, the four listened to the flow of conversations and picked up some news/rumors about the cave complex in the nearby limestone box canyon from which the town took its name.  

They learned that a tribe of fierce dog-men are rumored to guard the tomb of a great hero of the Hyperborean empire, a thousand years dead; that a necromancer was rumored to have made his abode in the caves; that the Astrologer Meinrad visits the caves on the nights of the new moon for unknown purposes; and that a month ago, a giant slug with cobra heads for eyestalks emerged from the canyon and almost made it to the gates of nearby Fort Thunder River before being slain.  

Discussing these rumors and debating what treasures to pursue in the caves, they decided to check in at the local temple of the Three Sisters -- the goddesses of Healing, Battle and Death, ever-present in the life of every adventurer -- for more guidance.  From the warrior-nuns here, they learned a few new rumors: that Nujah the Slayer, greatest of the Hyperborean sword-witches, died in battle in the canyon and her flying sword "Eagleclaw" was never recovered; that Violet Elves from the islands far to the west have been seen gathering poison mushrooms; and that the swamp at the far end of the canyon is infested with zombies.  

Legolas Jones also decided to buy a pig and sacrifice it to hir personal god, the ultra-chaotic entity known as "Gary Busey."  A ghostly, disembodied giant head of a human male with wild eyes, unkempt hair and oversized teeth appeared, swallowed the pig whole, and intoned, "The past - is history.  The future - is mystery.  And today's a gift - that's why it's the present.  YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!" before vanishing.  Legolas was not sure how to interpret this statement, but decided to take it to heart nonetheless.  

Connecting the tomb of the Hyperborean hero that's guarded by the dog-men with Nujah the Slayer, one of the greatest warriors of the Iron Empire of Hyperborea, they decided to brave the wrath of the dog-men to try and recover the mystical sword "Eagleclaw."  They also decided to try and hire some extra muscle; Manfrey the Magnificent befriended a large barroom tough named Burdo by buying him a beer after accidentally embedding a dart in his forehead, and Legolas jumped up on a table and put a call out for henchmen; from the applicants, she selected Murg, a gruff dwarven warrior, and Asheron, a fairly-intelligent (though still basically an ordinary) Rottweiler in a leather jacket and spiked helmet.  

Setting out, about a mile from the canyon they began to hear chanting and bells; rounding a bend in the road as it circled a hill, they came face to face with a band of eight human figures dressed in dark turquoise robes; one of them was waving a staff topped with a brass octopus, and the other seven rang bells.  One of them raised a hand to the adventurers, and asked, "Have you heard the good news? Dread Ktulu shall return! Repent and join us, brothers and sister - sister? - sister! Only through worship of Dread Ktulu shall ye be spared, for he shall devour us first!"

Not interested, Legolas blasted the cultists with a Sleep spell, and then walked over and casually slit all their throats.  S/he took a cultist robe for hirself, as well as taking a few for Murg and Asheron as well.  Manfrey replaced his staff with the octopus-headed staff of the cultists, and the adventurers also discovered that the cultists were carrying about 150 GP between them.  Pocketing this, they continued on to the caves.  

Having heard that the dog-men inhabited the first cave on the right at ground level, they cautiously entered the cave, Alf on point with a ten foot pole.  Suddenly they began to hear a rhythmic thumping from behind them; turning, they saw a half-dozen two-foot-tall humanoid canines, silhouetted against the morning sunlight, their large eyes glowing red.  The figures were thumping their spears against their shields menacingly as they advanced.  

Thinking quickly, Johann threw a bag of raw hamburger he'd purchased in hopes of distracting the dog-men at the humanoids.  They began yipping and yapping among themselves; fortunately, Legolas spoke Yip-Yip and was able to translate.  The dog-men, were cheering for Johann, and announcing that "the prophecy has been fulfilled!" It was at this point, as the cheering crowd of Yip-Yips surrounded him, that Johann noticed that they were all wearing belts made out of Hyperborean hacksilver, the currency of the Iron Empire.  

It turned out that the Yip-Yips had a prophecy that one day, a giant would come and deliver meat to them.  That was it; they weren't particularly imaginative with their prophecies.  Having become an honored member and demigod of the Yip-Yip tribe, Johann questioned them closely, through Legolas as translator, about the Hyperborean hero whose tomb they guarded.  Their king, the morbidly obese King Yap-Nip, showed them the gnawed remains of ancient bones and a bronze chain shirt, which Manfrey claimed, in order to upgrade Burdo's wardrobe from leather to chain.  Asking about a sword, Johann learned that the Yip-Yips' great enemy, the humans in the cave above theirs, had all sorts of swords, including a really shiny, fancy one.  These humans often raided the Yip-Yips' food stores, or shot at the Yip-Yips for target practice.  

Eager to get his hands on the shiny, fancy sword, Johann rallied the Yip-Yips, along their their menagerie of grotesque, hairless, scaly rat pets, and led them on a daring raid of the cave above.  

The assault on the cave proved to be easier than anticipated; the bandits in the cave above were mostly passed out from a heavy debauch the night before; most died without ever waking from their drunken stupor, and only a handful of Yip-Yips were slain in the process - and one of those was killed by a poisonous centipede, not by bandit retaliation.  

From objects in the cave, the adventurers deduced that the bandits were deserters from the Ninth Imperial Legion when it left the region.  Finding a damaged suit of Imperial plate-mail, a silver-and-ivory-inlaid longsword with an inscription from a wife to a husband, and three large, iron-bound and triple-padlocked walnut chests, Manfrey, Burdo and Alf returned to town to buy a mule and wagon, returning to collect the chests so that Alf could open them at his leisure.  They took the sword, not sure if it was the rumored "Eagleclaw" or not, but would investigate more fully later.  

Legolas, Johann, Murg and Asheron, meanwhile, cornered the leader of the bandits; Johann severed one of the bandit king's hands, while Legolas disabled his other hand with a thrown knife; finally, Murg conked him over the head with the flat of his axe, and they manacled the bandit king so they could interrogate him later.  They also found a chest of solid iron in the bandit's closet, unlocked.  Johann opened the chest and then collapsed, paralyzed, from a poison smeared on the edge of the lid.  Recovering a minute later, he directed Murg to open the chest; when he did so, a sudden explosion of steel send Murg stumbling backwards.  

A life-sized cobra sculpted from iron was sitting on Murg's chest, hissing and bearing hypodermic fangs; the Iron Cobra's attack dislodged Murg's beard, revealing that he was in fact a short human being wearing a big fake beard, and not a true dwarf.  Legolas tried shooting the iron cobra with hir crossbow, while Murg struggled and failed to keep the construct from biting him, though he did manage to resist its insidious poison.  Finally, Johann's hand shot out and grabbed the cobra behind the head; getting a grip with his other hand, he tore the cobra in half, killing it.  

At this point, Alf, Manfrey and Burdo returned with the mule and cart, and they maneuvered the three chests (the one which had contained the iron cobra contained no treasure - it was strictly there to punish interlopers) out of the cave, down the sloping side of the canyon, and on to the cart, heading back to town to celebrate an exceedingly successful first foray into the caves.